Proximity and Professional Courtesy - For You and Yours

Proximity and professional courtesy is all well and good for Red and me but how can that apply to your situation?

I can’t answer that for you but perhaps if you stretch your imagination and ponder the question a way will be shown to you. Is it possible to volunteer in your child’s classroom or at the school?

I can completely relate if it’s not.

When you’re the parent of a child with special needs you are already a 24/7 volunteer.

When it was suggested to me that I could learn more at Red’s school and meet other parents by volunteering in Red’s classroom I jumped at the opportunity. Red had just started first grade (for the 1st time) and I was in a position financially where I did not need to work.

Red had major meltdowns when I tried volunteering.

When he saw me at the school when I wasn’t “supposed” to be there he’d scream and yell and even throw himself on the ground or hit me.

Eventually it was suggested that perhaps I shouldn’t be there.

Keep trying.

As you have likely discovered, our kids are on their own maturity trajectory but it is possible for them to mature beyond a “trying” point in time.

Going to school early to help out on the playground, office, classroom or library are other ways you may be able to make your presence “available” for positive interactions with the school staff.

If your work or other family obligations don’t allow for time to volunteer during school hours are there other things you can do at different times or even venues?

YMCA, sports, drama, or other after school activities may provide you opportunities to connect with teachers or staff as well as network with other parents. Chaperoning a school dance or other singular events may work into your schedule better.

Can you help out another teacher using your special skills or talents?

Just because your skills are not a match for your child’s teacher, they may help another and word gets around! Even working at other school sites will help.

Whether you are able to volunteer or not, maintaining a team player and positive attitude go a long way to benefiting your child and establishing your credibility as advocate.

As long as you ask yourself what you can do to keep yourself in proximity and be seen as a professional team member for your child, you will find ways to improve this area.

Do what you can to establish yourself as a pro-child advocate, not just for your child but all children.

Be active in your community; go to school board meetings, join parent support groups. You will learn a lot about the issues teachers and the community face regarding children.

What we want for our children must responsibly be factored into what is best for all students.

This does not mean that we continually permit our child's needs be forsaken but that we learn to pick our battles and whenever possible find creative solutions that do not take away from the needs of other students.

Be fair.

Your reputation as a fair and creative team member will serve well when you do decide to “pick a battle”.

One of the gifts or developed skills parents of exceptional children have is being resourceful. Use it well.

Continue to find ways to be in proximity of your child’s teachers and maintain a reputation as professional child advocate. Your ability to do this will serve your child (and school and community) in ways you may never fully know or appreciate.

Professional Coutesy and Proximity

I was in college, working at the middle school and readily available to make swift changes.

Red paved the way in our district for some new policies. They are affectionately called the “Red model”. I don’t believe the staff would have considered them were I not in their “net” and a part of the national policy-setting trend of higher education. Red opened the doors for students to not have to be in 6th grade to be placed into a 6th grade math class, which has been applied to other courses for other students. Red was in 6th grade math for 3 years.

The first year he was under the desk in the back of the room.

The second year he was sitting in the back of the classroom at his desk working on a different workbook and occasionally raising his hand to make a comment or answer not always (but sometimes!) on topic.

His third year Red was working in the 6th grade math book and while he still hadn’t memorized his math facts, he was, “surprisingly good at the big-picture concepts”.

Until Red and I came along, the middle school hadn’t tried including someone who tested as low as Red into regular education classes (although this trend is changing across the nation as more literature is available supporting this placement policy).

Red has a 1:1 para-educator (Known in our district as a SCIA, short for “special circumstance instructional aide”) so they questioned the placement but did not challenge it.

As many autie parents know, our kids do not test well, nor are they able to regurgitate facts on command in other ways such as verbally - this should not keep students out of regular education classes!

Sometimes it takes awhile for our kids to mull over, process and attach meaning to new information. If they are denied access to typical classes the gaps and differences just increase.

(I strongly urge you to not rush to make waves – remember it is a fine line of perception between advocate and adversary. I will write about this distinction issue in a future entry).

Our kids often appear to teachers and staff as not being capable of a regular classroom placement for their education.

With proper modifications, adjusted expectations, and support, most (not all!) students can do well in a regular education classroom, including our children with autism.

Students with autism may not appear that they are doing well by most standard measures. For example, Red’s 7th grade social studies teacher would ask him questions and engage him in dialog to discover what he understood of the material.

Not all teachers are willing or able to do this.

It was the Social Studies teacher’s impression that Red was fine but indicated that he was still guessing Red’s abilities intuitively.

A year later, during the standardized test that included the 7th grade material, Red scored higher in social studies than in any other area and even above most of his typical peers.

It took that long for Red to process the information.

Information he would not have had access to if he’d not been placed in a regular education class.

Correct use of modifications, proper supports and realistic expectations from teachers, staff and parents and even the student are all required to make regular classroom placement work for our children with autism.

Even with all of these factors in place, our students may have emotional or sensory requirements that preclude a regular classroom placement.

Keep in mind the whole child when considering their education placement.

Red was having some major trauma with bullies his 8th grade year (proximity helped but certainly didn’t fix this particular issue!) and was starting to not want to go to school to be abused by the bullies.

There, in the hallway, his case manager and I brainstormed and found some solutions.

Red loves music and especially band.

Red had previously shared that he wanted to take up baritone and continue trombone. We concluded that because the 8th grade Social Studies is not critical to the exit exam, Red could have 2 periods of band instead.

We also agreed that we needed to meet with the team to work on the issue of bullies.

The quick decision was possible because I was there at the school. I was available, I knew the players and I knew the questions to ask because of my proximity. Also, I had developed a strong and professional relationship with the staff.

Autism and the importance of proximity

Having recently completed my Master’s degree in Special Education (Just in time for a hiring freeze and layoffs in our district, county and state education system) I want to share some things I have learned by being in middle school classrooms, college classes (which tends to be idealistic but also drives trends) and the Mom of a child with autism.

At the inquiry of Mama Mara, I shared last week an overview of some of the things, I learned in Mick’s Blog, "A Master's in Education: What Mum Learned". I’d like to continue by expounding on those comments in the next several posts here.

It is important to never under-estimate the benefits of professional courtesy and proximity.

These are huge benefits.

I had the good fortune to work as a paraeducator in the same middle school my son attended for most of his middle school years. I was hired in the spring of his 6th grade year.

Perhaps it sounds overly melodramatic however, there is a good chance that my son is alive today because I was placed where people could see me and tended to stop and talk.

Red had wanted to ride his bike the 2 miles to school when the weather started warming up the spring semester of his 6th grade year.

We carefully worked out a route and went over it going over the rules of the road, being careful, watching for cars, and so forth. It was very difficult for me to let him go.

Red is fast.

Red has ADHD and Autism.

And a history...

Two years earlier on his first day ever riding his bike to school I was running behind him and witnessed Red as he wiped out on the bike when he fixated on his shadow and T-boned a school bus sign post. He was so zoned he couldn’t hear me shouting.

So there we were 2 years later...

I’d leave home and watch for him as I drove to the middle school. He obeyed the rules, and we made some new ones such as having him walk his bike at certain crosswalks instead of riding to protect him and others.

He was very fast.

Thank goodness teacher’s and a couple of the parents know him (how can anyone miss those curls flying out the back and sides of a helmet?) because they’d share with me that they saw him.

I always asked if he was following the rules?

“Yes, he was being safe, but he's so fast he almost got hit by a driver not paying attention”.

I heard this several times.

Then there was the day I heard the ambulance about a mile ahead of me.

My heart constricted.

I parked on the side of the road and walked into traffic even though the bike was not my sons and watched an EMT bandaging up another middle school student who’d been hit by a car.

I cried when I parked my own car in the school parking lot.

That night I asked Red if he’d mind riding his scooter instead.

I used the ambulance and that kid as an example for Red. I carefully explained that most drivers on the road at that time of day are idiots not paying attention and because he’s so fast they just can’t see him.

(Note the delivery of the message – I complimented his speed, and implied he was good at following the rules but the driver’s were not.)

He didn’t have a problem switching!

Thank Goodness!

I still hear reports from teachers who see him scooting along. Most make comments about how happy he looks as he scooters and also how fast he is but I haven’t heard about any more near misses.

So maybe proximity has helped keep Red alive and well.

I never would have made the decision to ask Red to switch to his scooter if I hadn't heard accounts of close encounters from his teachers and other parents.