Advocate or Adversary? What’s your reputation as a parent?

Advocate or Adversary? What’s your reputation as a parent?

I recently took a stroll on the adversary path. I locked my teeth into a fight that perhaps I should have just let go of much sooner. It was physically and emotionally draining and the outcome has yet to be determined although in the 11th hour I did concede.

A close friend cautioned me several times to not stay in battle because this particular person I was battling with is very important to Red, his band director, music mentor and guardian of a safe haven for Red, the music room. Additionally, the potential gain just didn’t make the battle worth the risk.

But darn-it-all! He of all people SHOULD have understood how Autism impacts Red. Instead he acted as a policy police and felt Red should be given a reality lesson, a consequence, for missing a performance due to a family reunion.

Part of the issue for me was being blindsided by someone I felt “got autism” and Red in particular.

Red would have rather gone to the performance. His consequence was not being at the performance.

Reunions are a lot of “work” for someone on the autism spectrum!

As many parents, I am sometimes so very tired of “educating” on this subject. I also get really riled when I feel I have to “re-teach” the same people over and over again.

My close friend cautioned me on the type of reputation I could develop with other school staff if I persisted in my perceived quest of advocacy. Dang those close personal friends who speak well.

If you don’t have one, be on the lookout for one, they are of huge benefit when the raging mama-bear or papa-bear in you takes over.

Advocating for our children is very important – I am not saying to stop. Rather, I caution you to seek your own advocate and close friend to monitor your choices and emotional engagement level.

Like many parents of a child with autism, I probably have some “shadow traits” or perhaps some learned “fight or flight” stuff going on within that caused me to over-react and dig in. Whatever.

As reputations go, I’d much rather be considered an advocate than adversary.

There are times to dig in and even be prepared to call in “the big guns” when needed. There are also times to heed a friend’s advice and let go in peace. You may even need to have more than one friend. Sometimes even our closet allies may be as blinded as we are by injustices perceived or real.

Your reputation is important to those future battles (and with autism, don’t we have enough to choose from?) and so is your energy. Choose wisely and be a peaceful advocate whenever possible.

Proximity and Professional Courtesy - For You and Yours

Proximity and professional courtesy is all well and good for Red and me but how can that apply to your situation?

I can’t answer that for you but perhaps if you stretch your imagination and ponder the question a way will be shown to you. Is it possible to volunteer in your child’s classroom or at the school?

I can completely relate if it’s not.

When you’re the parent of a child with special needs you are already a 24/7 volunteer.

When it was suggested to me that I could learn more at Red’s school and meet other parents by volunteering in Red’s classroom I jumped at the opportunity. Red had just started first grade (for the 1st time) and I was in a position financially where I did not need to work.

Red had major meltdowns when I tried volunteering.

When he saw me at the school when I wasn’t “supposed” to be there he’d scream and yell and even throw himself on the ground or hit me.

Eventually it was suggested that perhaps I shouldn’t be there.

Keep trying.

As you have likely discovered, our kids are on their own maturity trajectory but it is possible for them to mature beyond a “trying” point in time.

Going to school early to help out on the playground, office, classroom or library are other ways you may be able to make your presence “available” for positive interactions with the school staff.

If your work or other family obligations don’t allow for time to volunteer during school hours are there other things you can do at different times or even venues?

YMCA, sports, drama, or other after school activities may provide you opportunities to connect with teachers or staff as well as network with other parents. Chaperoning a school dance or other singular events may work into your schedule better.

Can you help out another teacher using your special skills or talents?

Just because your skills are not a match for your child’s teacher, they may help another and word gets around! Even working at other school sites will help.

Whether you are able to volunteer or not, maintaining a team player and positive attitude go a long way to benefiting your child and establishing your credibility as advocate.

As long as you ask yourself what you can do to keep yourself in proximity and be seen as a professional team member for your child, you will find ways to improve this area.

Do what you can to establish yourself as a pro-child advocate, not just for your child but all children.

Be active in your community; go to school board meetings, join parent support groups. You will learn a lot about the issues teachers and the community face regarding children.

What we want for our children must responsibly be factored into what is best for all students.

This does not mean that we continually permit our child's needs be forsaken but that we learn to pick our battles and whenever possible find creative solutions that do not take away from the needs of other students.

Be fair.

Your reputation as a fair and creative team member will serve well when you do decide to “pick a battle”.

One of the gifts or developed skills parents of exceptional children have is being resourceful. Use it well.

Continue to find ways to be in proximity of your child’s teachers and maintain a reputation as professional child advocate. Your ability to do this will serve your child (and school and community) in ways you may never fully know or appreciate.